Real(ish) Life

twenty-three. liberal. Columbia grad. sociology. human rights. rambler. secular. unladylike.

I can be very difficult.

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Sometimes I believe that love dies but hope springs eternal. Sometimes I believe that hope dies but love springs eternal. Sometimes I believe that sex plus guilt equals love, and sometimes I believe that sex plus guilt equals good sex. Sometimes I believe that love is as natural as the tides, and sometimes I believe that love is an act of will. Sometimes I believe that some people are better at love than others, and sometimes I believe that everyone is faking it. Sometimes I believe that love is essential, and sometimes I believe that the only reason love is essential is that otherwise you will spend all your time looking for it.

My obsession with getting an apartment is officially over. I signed a lease. I’m locked in. Now, I’m just waiting until I can move in. 

So, after weeks of constantly watching Craigslist ads, talking to too many brokers, leaving work for apartment appointments, traipsing around Harlem and Hudson Heights, but also being social and going on dates with some people (ah, the headache!), all I want tonight is to do laundry, change my sheets, clean my apartment, and have some drinks. 

And I also have to figure out a new hobby, a new obsession because clearly having a job isn’t enough to keep me occupied. Law school apps? New job? New TV series? Start a podcast? ACTUALLY WRITE? (what a silly idea).

(This is a very haphazard two years off. I don’t think I’ve ever been this unconcerned about how I spend my time. I just read the news get angry and want to go back to school, and my job, I’m satisfied with anything that doesn’t make me depressed and allows me to pay my bills, (automo)bills, (telephone)bills so that I may chill.) 

So, how am I spending this night?

Well, first, I was going to listen to Kanye’s new album, but I don’t like it enough. I’ve found ways to defend it, because it’s Kanye, he is constantly evolving, but it hurts to listen to your new shit, so I’m going to listen to Graduation instead, even Barry Bonds, which I found unbearable initially. 

Then, I’m going to fold and hang up my laundry. Tucking away things I won’t use in the next few weeks, so they’re clean when I unpack them in a month. 

Then, I’m going to listen to the Nina Simone version of Strange Fruit and be sad. Then realize how much more music I have to listen to in order to have a full knowledge and critical opinion of the music that is being produced today. And how that is the case for everything I have an opinion about. I need to know more, the fact that I am an excellent bullshitter WILL most definitely catch up with me. I will be caught one day. 

On that same note, I am in such an argumentative mood, I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to fight someone. There is a clear frustration that I need to have pounded out of my body. ;)  

In all seriousness though, it’s very difficult these days to let people say thing based in ignorance, or classist/sexist/racist ideals, and not say anything. I will, if I haven’t already, start to embarrass my soon-to-be roommate, whose friends, really one, sound like they have had their brains and organs pulled out and replaced with horseshit. I literally can’t stop myself from calling him out on everything he says in my general direction. 

I don’t know. 

I’m going to go borrow books on my Kindle. 


“A look shared by two people, each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start.”
The World’s Most succinct Word